A Proposal of Modesty: Distance Restrooms & HPE Technology
© 2000 Archibald Lemming*, First National E.M.O., Ltd.

It is with great pleasure that I acknowledge the outstanding contribution of the 30,000 Part Time Community College Instructors in the State of California. We have Tom Nussbaum and the Board of Governors to thank for policies that oversee the seamless management of the largest system of higher education in the country. My proposal today comes to you from the same spirit that forged the Part-Time temporary Instructor system.

Since this system has been so successful, I propose that we expand that model to our restrooms on all community college campuses immediately. College restrooms need not be full time, permanently functioning structures. Data compiled indicate that most college restrooms need only be functional between 9:00 AM-2:00 PM, and even then the most frequent use occurs between classes. The annual cost savings realized through water, bathroom tissue and towel conservation alone would exceed millions dollars per district. Employing Permatoil-temps would also decrease the cost of janitorial services.** Following this proposal, full facilities can be made available between classes during prime time college hours at a tremendous savings.

I expect this will be no more inconvenient, as students have become accustomed to college facilities--as well as Counselors, Librarians, and most Instructors--open at designated hours. Our students will, no doubt, learn to become more self reliant, and address their needs before they come to campus. As exemplified by recent welfare reform, the college should also work to decrease dependency. Let us not lose sight that our mission is to provide high quality, affordable, community college education. I pledge, in sincerity that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this necessary work, having no other motive than the community good.

Now, many of you may be thinking about staff and faculty who work before 9:00 AM and after 2:00 PM; therefore, allow me to pose a question: How would this plan differ from other loads faculty and staff currently carry? All of us know that relying on part time instruction to teach the majority of college courses requires full time faculty/staff to demonstrate superior organizational abilities--and they have performed admirably. Current fiscal design necessitates that we continue to streamline our services. We face a tremendous demographic surge through 2010, with Tidal Wave II expected to swell the student population by one third. Converting our restrooms from full time permanent structures to a part time temporary schedule would enhance our fiscal flexibility to support other vital college programs.

Should further attrition of our resources take place, we could encourage our students to enroll in the Distance Restroom Program, thereby directing them to the nearest public restroom in the area. We can also look forward to advancements in broadband computer technology, which industry experts assure us, will provide us with methods to meet our public restroom needs electronically. Advances in Human Plasma Export (HPE), a genuinely modest method of solving an historically troublesome problem, promise us additional fiscal flexibility. Current partnerships between private industry and colleges in the valley, will be the first to implement HPE, thereby eliminating the need to operate public restrooms entirely. Initial costs of HPE are high, as with any new technology, but we has been assured that the system will pay for itself after initial expenditures.

After many years of thought which simply reassessed the wasteful status quo, I fortunately fell upon this plan, which promises to free extra resources for all districts. Wise management of part time temporary restroom facilities, a vigorous distance restroom program, and the latest HPE technology, will guarantee our campuses solid benefits for many years to come.

*Archibald Lemming is a only a minor stockholder of First National Educational Maintenance Organization, Ltd.
** Many graduates of welfare-to-work programs become Permatoil-temps. Colleges could develop convenient internships for permatoil-temps on every campus.

Satire by Abby Lynn Bogomolny

Researchers Discover "Part-Timer" Gene
Abby Lynn Bogomolny

Researchers at the Stunford Biotechnology Institute have discovered the gene that leads to temporary, part-time employment.

The growing epidemic of American educators with part-time, temporary jobs without benefits has risen to epidemic proportions in recent years. Biologists and social scientists have been studying the phenomenon without success until now.

"It took a five-year study of Community College Instructors to help us isolate the genetic disposition," Richard Globduck, Director of the Stunford Biotechnology Institute, explained. "The breakthrough came when we monitored the oxygen absorption rate in the bloodstream of temporary, Part-Time Faculty and compared the findings to data taken from our control group of permanent, Full-Time Faculty in identical conditions. We followed the cellular damage caused by inhaling exhaust fumes and noticed that those employed in a part-time capacity suffered more acutely because of one particular gene."

Several outcomes from this discovery are possible. Globduck hopes to develop genetic therapies that can help workers tolerate increased levels of exhaust fumes. Another therapy hopes to alleviate the genetic disposition that has baffled biologists and social scientists alike. The Institute has also announced plans for an additional study on the so-called "part-timer gene" and its relationship to environmental conditions.

"If we understand what causes the predilection for temporary, part time employment," concluded Globduck, "perhaps we can prevent it."